1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. sex is not the answer. sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

4. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

5. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

7. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

8. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

9. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

10. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

11. His mother never saw the irony in calling him a son-of-a-bitch.

12. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

13. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

14. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

15. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

16. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

17. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

18. Fighting for peace is like **** for virginity.

19. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

20. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.