FarikoRevs wrote I apologize for the depressing post people. But I greatly appreciate the support everyone is giving. I really don't know what I want to hear, or what I want to do. But hearing you all sharing some brief stories of similar things you have went through/felt before is helping. I don't feel so alone when I know there are people all over the world.. complete strangers.. who are willing to take a few minutes out of there own time to speak to me. I don't speak to anyone about personal stuff.. I don't share my thoughts either. I guess it's easier for me to do that online, hiding behind a screen.

Just because I don't know you or any of us don't know you in real life doesn't mean we don't feel for you. I personally do not want someone to deal with similar stuff that I have before in the past. If you think you need it, You should consider a therapist or something. Not even that. Try walks, College? A job? Anything can help. You have to put some effort into it for things to start looking up.

I might stray a little off topic with my story, but it'll make sense in the end.

There's plenty of times I stay up at night and think about the past, most of the time it's just looking back at where things have been and where they're at now. There's plenty of mistakes I have made in the past; however I would not change a single one of them because those mistakes pushed me further into growing up. I had to grow up at an early age both mentally, emotionally and physically. My dad was killed at 2, but that's a piss poor example, if what my grandfather and grandmother said, he was just a coward and would have raised me wrong. After my grandfather was killed when I was 10, I had to grow up at that moment as I was the only "man" in my life. Sure, my mother was still there, sure my uncle was still there, sure my brother was still there; however for as long as I can remember, I have been against my family except for my grandfather, my uncle and I got on good terms sometime when I was around 14 but before that he and I were like the rest of my family. I've done a lot of stupid and reckless stuff trying to figure out how I'm going to grow up and forcing myself way further than I should have, but that was what I had to do to get here today.

For years I have been alone on my own choice as I did not believe in any sort of emotions such as love or happiness, emotions were pretty much strictly prohibited except for hate and anger under how my grandfather raised me and I agreed with it, and I honestly still do believe in that thought process to a degree. "Friends" have always been something I could drop and not even think twice about doing, in fact I would end up forcing a lot of people to question things with regards to friendship and then have them get butt hurt when I bluntly tell them how I see things. Oddly enough, that all changed when the woman who I considered my best friend came into my life in the form of a relationship. Before her and I were together, I was a pill addict just doing that to hopefully kill myself as I was just bored with life and frustrated that I couldn't do what I wanted to do. I had all this pent up anger I just couldn't unleash so pills were my little calm-me-downs. A few weeks before I got into my relationship, I was starting to get off the pills, but at the same time planning on moving back to Russia and either starting over or ending it all, whichever I was feeling at the moment. She has always had the "worst" timing when it came to me as she would always message me right before I was about to do something stupid, which she did this time and we had a talk. Before she got off, she told me she wished she could date me, which I blew off as her messing around since we were both randomly shit talking about random stuff. Ended up making her cry and she didn't speak to me for a few days, in which she told me she was serious and I told her I would talk to her about what she was thinking. I don't know what the hell happened, but something clicked where I told her I felt the same way. I have never chased after anyone nor even wanted someone in my life like this, but for whatever reason I wanted something with her. Maybe because she was able to see past me and knew what was going on with me, yet still accepted that I'm simply who I am and how I was raised. I still don't know to this day what caused my sudden change of heart, but I do know she is the only person that would completely unhinge me. I could watch my whole family, people I grew up with; watch them die in front of me and I guarantee I wouldn't even flinch at the thought, but when it comes to her, the thought of her even getting hurt can make my blood boil and if she were to die, that would be my snapping point. She is literally the source of both my happiness and what can keep me calm, 2 things I never had without her. We have gone further than being just boyfriend and girlfriend and have been engaged for 2-ish years.

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What I'm trying to tell you, is I have been in a place you were, not exactly the same and very different in certain areas. Do I look back at things? All the time. Do I miss the old me? Sometimes, I do miss knowing I didn't have an emotional or mental weakness to me, but at the same time I'm kind of glad I do as it let's me show that I genuinely love my fiance. Do I regret things I've done in the past? Nope. I would do it all again if I had to in order to grow further as an adult. Your case is the same, you can reflect on what you feel on the inside, to know that you're shaping yourself to get used to the harsh reality of life. My fiance and are pretty much being cucked by her parents until she is done with college. We hardly get to talk with each other as of now so I know the feeling of being lonely, but I know it's a harsh reality of life. As you get older, you naturally lose the things you had from a child. Energy, optimism and motivation can be completely null if you're not in the mood, you're stressed out or for any number of reasons, where as a kid can spring right back into that mood within 5 minutes. Sometimes the negative things are what are best for you. Sometimes losing friends from the past is better for you, who knows what shit they could get you into. These things are all shaping experiences for you, what you choose to do with it is your choice.

Before I lose point of what I wanted to say; no one knows where things can take off from where they are now, that's kind of your job to take what has happened to you and use it however you see fit for your own purpose. If looking back at the good times and coming to see that life can be hard/painful, then use that to make yourself stronger mentally and emotionally. I can't sit here and say things get better; unless you want them to. If you want to be happy again, you'll find something that makes you happy again, no matter how long it takes. If you don't want things to change, you'll simply just ignore everything in life and further shut yourself down. My scenario is an odd one as I don't even know what I wanted at that moment, all I know is once I had seen how serious my fiance was, that I wanted something, I think mainly to take care of her, which is what keeps me going. If you want your happiness back that you had however many years ago, you'll need to find what gives you that purpose and makes you feel that way. That doesn't mean desperately chase and try to force it to happen, but you need to be aware that the goal you planted for yourself, is to find your source, no matter how long it takes, no matter how tedious it becomes and no matter how painful it can get.

i'd love to relive my high school years as those were some of the best times of my life but that will never happen, all i can do now is look forward to my future and whats yet to come.

stay strong I can relate to this I go through it a lot to be honest