Your momma's **** is so hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn

I asked your momma "what's for lunch" ...She opened up her legs and said tuna surprise

I asked your momma "what's for lunch" ...She opened up her legs and said crabs

Your momma's like a gun, two cocks and she's loaded!

Your momma's like a vaccum cleaner ... She sucks, blows and gets laid in the closet.

Yo Mama's like a mosquito, you have to slap her to get her to stop sucking

Yo Mama's so skinny she has to wipe her butt with dental floss

Yo Mama's so greasy that she has to use baccon as a bandaid

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!

Yo Mama's so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a mexican phone company

Yo Mama's so stupid I asked her to buy me a pare of sneakers and she came back with 2 candy bars.

Yo Mama's so stupid because it too her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Yo Mama's so stupid when she heard someone say it was chille outside,she went and grabbed a size 20 bowl.

Yo Mama's so stupid she sold her car for gas money.

Yo Mama's so stupid when i said drinks are on the house she went and fetched a ladder.

Yo Mama's so stupid she got locked in Matress World and slepped on the floor.

Yo Mamma's so stupid she got locked in publix and starved to death.

Yo Mamma's so stupid she blinked and got lost

Yo Mamma's so stupid that she got run over by a parked car.

Yo Mamma's so stupid she blinked and got lost

Yo Mamma's so stupid that when I told her we needed gas for the car, she farted at the gas tank!

Yo Mamma's so stupid that when she goes to a movie theatre and saw under 18 not admitted, she went home and got 17 of her friends.

Yo Mamma's so stupid she stayed in the grocery store for one day looking at a can of orange juice just because it said concentrate.

Yo Mamma's so stupid she went to an antique store and said what's new

Your momma's so greasy she got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair.

Your momma's so greasy the chip shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry.

Your momma's so greasy her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.

Your momma's so greasy she uses bacon as a band aid.

Your momma's so greasy her freckles slipped off.

Your momma's so greasy she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam...and has a full time job at the 'Pancake Palace' wiping pancakes across her forhead.

Your momma's so smelly even sewer rats get out of her way.

Your momma's so smelly that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...

Your momma's so smelly even dogs dont smell her.

Your momma's so smelly she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.

Your momma's so smelly she made Right Guard go left.

Your momma's so Smelly her poops glad to escape.

Your momma's house is so dirty before you walk outside you have to wipe your feet.

Your momma's so dirty she has to creep up on her bath water.

Your momma's so dirty that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.

Your momma's so dirty that when she went swimming at the beach, she left a ring around the ocean!

Your momma's so dirty the flies on a dog shit passed out

Your momma's so dirty bigfoot took a photo of her

Yo mama so short she does pull-ups with a staple.

Yo mama so short she gave yo daddy head while standing up.

Yo momma so short she commited suicide by jumping of the curb

Yo mamas so short she jumped in a puddle and drowned

our momma's like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and lays in the closet.

Your momma's like a toilet, she's so full of shit.

Your momma's like a hardware store 5 cents a screw

Your momma's like a squirell, she can't keep nuts out of her mouth.

Your momma's like a buffet, $3.00 and it's all you can eat!

Your momma's like buckleys, she tastes bad but works

Your momma's like a doorknob everyone gets a turn.

Your momma's like a light switch even a 4 Year old can turn her on.

Your momma's like a refrigerator, every one sticks there meet in her

Your momma's like a nascar driver she burns fifty rubbers a day

Your momma's like a shotgun 2 cocks and shes ready to blow

Your momma's like a hockey puck everyone gets a whack!

Your momma's like a merry go round everyone gets a spin!

Your momma's like a bus everyone gets a ride!

Your momma's like a boomerang she keeps coming back for more.

Yo momma's so fat she needs a VCR for a pager

Yo Momma so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs

Your mama's so fat that her belly button makes an echo

Yo momma's so fat her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard

Yo momma so fat when she walks past window we lose four days of sun light

Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at sea world

Your momma's so fat when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep tryin to get back up again

Your mammas so fat and stupid, when it was raining she used the freeway for a slip and slide

Yo momma's so fat that when the whales saw her they started singing "we are family"

Yo momma is so fat when she goes to a restaurant she has to be greased in and out of the boothes

Yo mamma's so fat she was attacked by japenese mlitary, they thought she was godzillas wife.

Yo mamma's so fat when she went on school feild trips the school had to raise fund to feed her.

Your momma's so fat she makes free willy look like a goldfish

Yo mama is so fat when I layed back on her stomach i rolled twce and I was still in the middle

Yo momma's so fat she needs a VCR for a pager

Yo Momma so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs

Your mama's so fat that her belly button makes an echo

Yo momma's so fat her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard

Yo momma so fat when she walks past window we lose four days of sun light

Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at sea world

Your momma's so fat when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep tryin to get back up again

Your mammas so fat and stupid, when it was raining she used the freeway for a slip and slide

Yo momma's so fat that when the whales saw her they started singing "we are family"

Yo momma is so fat when she goes to a restaurant she has to be greased in and out of the boothes

Yo mamma's so fat she was attacked by japenese mlitary, they thought she was godzillas wife.

Yo mamma's so fat when she went on school feild trips the school had to raise fund to feed her.

Your momma's so fat she makes free willy look like a goldfish

Yo mama is so fat when I layed back on her stomach i rolled twce and I was still in the middle

Yo Mama's so fat slap her on the stomach and you can ride the waves

Yo Mama's so fat when she steps on a scale it say's I want your weight not your phone number

Yo Mama's so fat, she's the reason they invented double doors

Yo Mama's so fat she uses I-95 as a slip and slide.

Yo Mama's so fat she sat on a rainbow and made skittles

Yo Mama's so fat when she wore high heels she struck oil

Yo Mama's so fat she needs a lifeguard for her ceareal bowl

Yo Mama's so fat it took three years for her to get liposuction

Yo Mama's so fat she uses buoys for ear plugs

Yo Mama's so fat she killed the dinosaurs

Yo Mama's so fat she cant jump to conclusions

Yo Mama's so fat she uses windex for face cleaner

Yo Mama's so fat her genes dont fit her

Yo Mama's so fat she took her chin as carry on

Yo Mama's so fat she throws up gravy

Yo Mama's so fat she plugged the hole in the ozone layer

Yo Mama's so fat it's not funny

Yo Mama's so fat she ate the milky way

Yo Mama's so fat she has to wear a wide load sign

Yo Mama's so fat that while she walking to Wal-Mart, she tripped over K-Mart, and landed on Target.

Yo Mama's so fat the army uses her panties for a parachute.

Yo Mama's so fat she makes godzilla loox like an action figure

Yo Mama's so fat she needs a wide load stiker on her butt

Your mamas so fat she cant even float in space

Yo momma is so fat she sat on walmart and lowered the prices.

Your Momma's so fat she can go on vacation by rolling over.

You momma so fat one time she threw up and out came pinnichio

Yo mama is so fat when she turns around its her birthday again

Yo mamma's so fat when she went to Tokyo everyone said its GODZILA!

Yo momma is so fat, she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

Your momma is so fat the elephant on her shirt is real!

Your momma is so fat when she stepped on a scale it said 1 person at a time please

Your mommas so fat she pooped out an actionfigure.

Yo Momma so fat she tripped over Wal-Mart and landed on Target

Yo mama so fat that when she walkes she shows up on the rictor scale.

Your mama is so fat she steps on a dollar bill and makes change

Yo momma so fat when i tryed to walk around her i got lost.

Your momma is so fat that when she puts on her red t-shirt she runs through brick walls yellin', "Kool-Aid!"

Yo mama so fat when she died and went to heaven lord asked where did my light go???

Your momma is so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck

Your momma's so fat , she uses Mexico as a tanning bed.

Yo momma's so fat when she sings theres a earthquake

your mamma is so fat when she stepped on a scale it said to be continued

Yo momma's so fat that she makes a sumo wresler look like an arexion.

Yo momma's so fat that when it rains she where's a yellow jacket and everyone yells taxi.

Yo mamma is so ugly and fat when she went out side the kids said run its a dinosour!!!

Yo momma's ass is so big that when she sits down she's three feet taller.

Your mama's so fat...that when god said let there be light...she moved!!!

Your mama's so fat when she stepped on a scale it read the air heads motto "Out Of Control"

Yo momma so fat she got stopped at da airport for havin 200 pounds of crack

Yo mama is so fat the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Crage is the door

Yo momma is so fat last time she seen 90210 is on the scale

Your mommas like a brick she is flat on both sides and gets laid by Mexicans.

Your momma is so big when God said let there be light, he asked her to move.

Your mom is so fat, when she walks out of the candy store with a red turtle neck on people start yellin "Kool Aid".

Your mama so fat she uses the ocean as a bath tub

Your mama's so fat when she walked by a construction site they used her as a wrecking ball.

Your mama so fat when she sat on the toilet she said A B C D E F G get your fat ass of of me.

Yo Momma Soooooooo Fat...... A Car Crashed Into Her And She Said, "Who Threw That Rock?!"

Yo mamma so fat that I told her we won the Super Bowl So she walked outside with a spoon.

Yo mamas so fat I get lost around here

Your mamma is so fat I shot the bitch and lard came out.

Your momma is so fat she got in a monster truck and made it a lowrider!

Your momma so fat she tried to take a bath but the water jumped out!

Your momma is so fat that she went to the bathroom and the toilet got the shit scared out of it

Yo mamma so fat when she missed the school bus she yelled "some one catch my twinky"!

Yo momma is so fat that your dad and her were in bed and tried to kiss he'd have to slap her belly and ride the third wave up!

You'r mama's so fat, when she sit's around the house,"she sit's AROUND THE HOUSE"!!

Yo Mama's so fat if I put a firecracker up her ass, and it exploded she would be feeding kids in Africa for years

Your momma is so fat she changed the phrase "One Size Fits All" to "One Size Fits Most"!

Yo momma so fat that when I ran around her I got lost!

Yo momma so fat..she even carried a spoon to the SUPER BOWL

Your momma's so fat, once she jumped in the water, everone ran out yelling, "Tsunami!"

Your mommas so fat she plays pool with the planets.

Yo momma is so fat she sat down on the bench and her fart went off like a gun shot!

Your mammas so fat she sat on the toliet and the toliet said ABCDEFG GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF ME

Your mama is so fat her "nickname" is damn

Yo mommas so fat she took her pants to the dry cleaners and the lady said,"we don't do curtains".

Your mommas so fat she was wearing a yellow shirt and the kids thought she was a schoolbus

Your momma is so fat she had cream coming out her arms becuase she ate to many twinkes

Yo momma is just like a big mac...shes big, fat, and $1.69 on wednesdays!

Yo mamma is like a big mack, fat, juizy, and only worth a buck.

Yo momma is so fat her stretch marks spell out her name , " big bitch"

Your momma is so fat, I take her panties and I use it as the main sail of my yacht.

Yo mamma so fat, she got more rolls then a pastry truck!

Yo mamas so fat the back of her neck looks like a package of hotdogs

Yo moma is so fat.....fat is a complement!!!!!

Yo momma's so fat when she takes a shower her feet don't get wet!

Yo momma is so fat the cows try get milk from her

Yo momma's so fat she puts mayonaise on asprin.

Yo momma's so fat Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

Yo momma's so fat She could sell shade.

Yo your moma so fat,that she had to take her passport photo by satillite.

Yo your moma so fat that her belt size is the equater

Yo momma's so fat Her blood type is Ragu.

Yo momma's so fat When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo momma's so fat She can't even jump to a conclusion.

Your mama's so fat she had to iron her clothes on the 405 freeway!!!!!

Your momma is so fat, she uses a toilet brush to clean out her belly button!

Yo momma's so fat She can't even fit in the chat room.

Yo momma's so fat She put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo momma's so fat All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Momma"

Yo momma's so fat When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mamma is so fat she takes showers at carwashes

Yo momma is so stupid when she hears thunder she thinks someone is making popcorn

Yo Mam's So Fat, She Went To Sizzler and the Bitch Got A group Discount

Your mommas so fat she has to use hula hoops to hold up her socks

Yo mamas so fat after sex she rolles over and smokes a ham

Yo mama so fat when she died they didn't use a casket they used a mansion.

Yo momma so fat i put a quarter in her mouth and pushed her belly button and milk dudes fill out of her ass

Yo mamma's got so many rolls she puts Brumby's out a business

Your momas so fat that when she got into an elevator the doors couldn't close!!

Yo Mama's so dumb i told her Christmas was around the corner, and she went lookin'.

Yo Mama's so dumb that she tripped over a cordless phone.

Your Mama's so dumb that she got smacked by a statue.

Yo Mama's so dumb she got locked in a toilet and pissed herself.

Yo Mama's so dumb , I told her she lost her mind, and she started looking for it.

Your Mama's so dumb, she tried to commit suicide off a sidewalk.

Yo Mama's so dumb she got hit by a parked car.

Yo Mama's so dumb when she went to a football game she thought the quarter back was a refund!

Yo Mama's so dumb she stole a free sample.

Yo Mama's so dumb she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer.

Yo Mama's so dumb she waited all day at a stop sign

1. "I'm down here."
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSync. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.

Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.

You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...

Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!

Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

What do you say we go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply

Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours

Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?

I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears

My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Man - Excuse me, want to dance?
Woman - No.
Man - Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants!

I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey.

Do you work for UPS? 'Cause I swear I saw you checking out my package!

You're ugly but you intrigue me.

No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

Man - Fat Penguin !
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good

Man - Do you like to dance?
Woman - Yes !
Man - Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?

Will you play army men with me.. so I can blow the hell out of you !

Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me.

Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?

Wow! Are those real?

There must be a keg in your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.

True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.

Why do I have a pierced tongue? You'll soon find out.

Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want?

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.

You must work at Subway, 'cause you just gave me a footlong

If you were a buger I would pick you first.

If I let you suck on my tongue would you be greatful?

Nice Shoes. Wanna ****?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

You remind me of my Grandma except I haven't slept with you yet.

You stole my heart. But that's okay; I have another one at home in the fridge.

Are you free tonight or is it gonna cost me?

I wish you were a carousel at Wal-Mart so I could ride you all day long for just a quarter!!

Hey babe, do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

Why don't you get down on your knees and smile like a doughnut?

The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my crib and spread the word.

If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?

Can I touch your belly button...from the inside?

I lost my teddy bear will you sleep whith me ?

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

Can I borrow your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Be unique and different, say yes.

Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel

You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.

I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.

I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Are you a parking ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya.

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!

Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just took my heart away!

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!

I'm not wearing any pants.

You have been very naughty! Go to my room!

Mind if i stand here until it's safe where i farted

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under

Sex is like Pringles: once you pop, you can't stop.

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

When God made you, he was showing off

It's not my fault I fell in love, you're the one who tripped me!

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special

My Love for you is like diarrahia ... I can't hold it in

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulups together

You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles

I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole

Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks

If you were a bugger I'd pick you first

Hello sugar not you the other lump!

I'm like novicane, Give me time I always work.

Nice legs what time do they open.

You're like a prize mouth bass... I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

Wanna come upp for some sex and pizza?
... Whats the matter, you dont like pizza?

Hey baby, you must be a sweater 'cos you got me feeling warm all over

Check the girls clothing tag then say --> "Thats what I thought...made in heaven"

If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

You're last name should be Campbells, cus your mmmm... GOOD

Tell me something, girl. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?

Your name must be cheerios...cuz you seem healthy for my heart.

Girl are you tired, cuz youve been running through my mind all day

Is your dad in jail? Cuz he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

Hey baby, You must be from Tennesee........cause your the only Ten-I-See

Exuse me miss, are you a Hostess? Because you've got some sweet cakes!!

You Dropped something , "My jaw"

Are you a sargeant? Cause you make my privates stand up straight.

I know I'm not Fred Flinestone, but I can make your Bed Rock

You know what would look really good on you? No, what? Me.

Hey babe, nice legs....what time do they open?

You have 206 bones right now, Want to have 207 tonight ?

I wouldn't be surprised if you were Cambell's soup, Cause you are mmm mmm good!

Did it hurt? When u fell out of Hevan?

Baby do you have a mirror in your jeans cause I can defiently see my self in them.

I may not be the best looking here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Are you wearing space pants, 'cause your butt is out of this world!

Am I cute, or do you need another drink?

You ain't the HOTTEST guy here tonight, but beauty is only a light-switch away!

So ya wanta put your pickle in my juicy jar!!!

Is your dad a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb!

Lets play Pearl Harber, I lay down and you blow me to heaven

Is that dress felt ? Would you like it to be.

What's a big girl like you doing in a small town like this.

Lets play house, you be the screandoor and i'll bang you all night long.

Sure its a needle but it moves like a sewing machine

You wanna come over to my house and play battleship. I can show you my destroyer

Man: we better get you out of those wet clothes
Women: what?
Man: [licks his finger an wipes it on her dress]
Man: those wet clothes

Is your dad a police officer, if so i'll be visiting you a lot

Hey babe lets make a bunk bed you be on bottom I be on top

I'm no weather man but the forecast is calling for several inches tonight !

The only time I'd kick you outta bed would be to **** you on the floor!

MAN: There's a party tonight!
WOMAN: Where?
MAN: In your mouth and im cummin!

Hi, my name's ______. You better remember it cause you'll be screaming it later!!

I just shit my pants. Can I get into yours?

Do you have a mirror in your pocket, cuz i can see myself in your pants

Wanna ride? i got a truck and a box of condoms.

Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children! For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "


The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.

She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.

On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.

She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.

She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"

The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."

"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.

She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.

The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"

Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".


There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

Former Labour MP Elliot Morley has been sentenced to 16 months in prison after pleading guilty to cheating his expenses.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."


Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a **** to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and **** it,
and called it a ****.

There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor askes her what had happened.

She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

"The bastard called again"

Q .. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A .. Knock on the door.

Q .. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A .. The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".

Q .. What stops then goes then stops then goes?
A .. A blonde at a blinking red light.

Q .. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A .. A blonde parade.

Q .. What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A .. They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q .. What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A .. Third grade.

Q .. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A .. You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q .. How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A .. Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q .. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A .. Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q .. How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A .. I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q .. Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
A .. She lost the recipe.

Q .. How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
A .. With a thought.

Q .. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A .. The noise gave her a headache.

Q .. How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A .. She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q .. What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A .. Perri-air.

Q .. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A .. Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q .. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A .. When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q .. Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A .. She missed.

Q .. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A .. Data transfer.

Q .. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A .. The back of her head.

Q .. What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A .. Artificial intelligence.

Q .. What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A .. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q .. What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A .. They're both empty from the neck up.

Q .. What does a blonde owl say?
A .. What, what?

Q .. What's the Blonde's cheer?
A .. " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q .. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A .. To see what was on the other side.

Q .. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A .. From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

Q .. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A .. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q .. Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A .. She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q .. What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A .. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q .. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A .. Change.

Q .. What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A .. "Thanks for the refill!"

Q .. What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A .. A whine cellar.

Q .. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A .. An Air Bag.

Q .. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A .. A mental block.

Q .. What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A .. A wind tunnel.

Q .. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A .. A dope ring.

Q .. What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A .. Divorcee'

Q .. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A .. Pregnant.

Q .. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A .. The cow fell on her.

Q .. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A .. Bobbing for french fries.

Q .. Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A .. She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

Q .. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A .. Frosted Flakes.

Q .. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A .. There's white-out on the screen.

Q .. How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A .. There's writing on the white-out.

Q .. How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A .. There is a stamp on it.

Q .. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A .. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q .. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A .. You can park in the handicap zone.

Q .. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A .. It takes too long to retrain them.

Q .. Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A .. They're too hard to peel.

Q .. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A .. Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q .. Why does it work?
A .. "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q .. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A .. You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q .. What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A .. Proofreading.

Q .. Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A .. For throwing out the W's.

Q .. Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A .. Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q .. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A .. To keep from bruising their ears.

Q .. Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A .. So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q .. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A .. Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q .. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A .. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q .. What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A .. Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q .. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A .. They don't know the route.

Q .. Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A .. So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q .. How does a blonde commit suicide?
A .. She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q .. How do you plant dope?
A .. Bury a blonde.

Q .. How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A .. Wave to her.

Q .. How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A .. Shine a torch in her ears.

Q .. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A .. Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q .. How do you change a blonde's mind?
A .. Blow in her ear.

Q .. How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A .. Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q .. How does a blonde kill a fish?
A .. She drowns it.

Q .. A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A .. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q .. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A .. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

Q .. Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A .. To avoid the draft.

Q .. How do you kill a blonde?
A .. Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q .. Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A .. No smoking.

Q .. What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A .. She grabs a bowl.

Q .. How do blondes pierce their ears?
A .. They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q .. How do blonde braincells die?
A .. Alone.

Q .. How do you brainwash a blonde?
A .. Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q .. How do you drown a blond?
A .. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q .. How do you drown a blond?
A .. Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q .. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A .. Flattered.

Q .. How do you confuse a blonde?
A .. You don't. They're born that way.

Q .. Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A .. She didn't know what number came first.

Q .. What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A .. Divorced.

Q .. How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A .. She threw it off a cliff.

Q .. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A .. She fell out of the tree.

One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop. The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?" The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere." The cop replied "You retard that's your air freshener."

Q .. Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A .. To see what was on the other side.

Q .. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A .. Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q .. Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A .. She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q .. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A .. The vegetable garden.

Q .. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A .. "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q .. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A .. Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q .. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A .. They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q .. What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A .. A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q .. To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A .. Grade four.

Q .. What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A .. 144 blondes.

Q .. What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A .. A blonde trying to put it out.

Q .. Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A .. To get chocolate milk.

Q .. What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC?
A .. A dumb terminal.

Q .. Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A .. So brunettes can understand them.

Q .. How did the blond burn her ear?
A .. The phone rang while she was ironing.

Q .. There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A .. The sign said "must be 18 to enter".

Q .. Why are there no brunette jokes?
A .. Because blondes would have to think them up.

Q .. How does a blonde make instant pudding?
A .. She places the box in the microwave and looks for the "instant pudding setting" button.

Q .. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
A .. When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

Q .. What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
A .. A case of empties.

Q .. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A .. Her IQ goes up!

Q .. What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A .. Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q .. What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A .. Reservations.

Q .. What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A .. A visitor.

Q .. What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A .. Gifted!

Q .. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A .. An interpreter.

Q .. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A .. A Space Invader.

Q .. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A .. Branch Manager.

Q .. What do you call a smart blond?
A .. A golden retriever.

Q .. What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A .. "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q .. Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A .. They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q .. Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A .. They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q .. A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A .. The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q .. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A .. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q .. What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A .. She moved.

Q .. Did you hear about Pepsi's new soda just for blondes?
A .. It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.

Q .. Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?
A .. They're refuelling.

Q .. Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?
A .. She didn't want one for nights.

Q .. What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
A .. Her husband is out looking for the other man.

Q .. Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A .. She was last years hide and seek winner.

Q .. Why do blondes like lightning?
A .. They think someone is taking their picture.

Q .. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A .. From eating with forks.

Q .. Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A .. Because they can spell it.

Q .. Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A .. Toes go in first.

Q .. Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A .. To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q .. Why don't blondes double recipes?
A .. The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q .. Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A .. They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q .. Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A .. They can't remember the number.

Q .. Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A .. She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q .. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A .. "What's a lightbulb?"

Q .. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A .. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q .. How do you get rid of blondes?
A .. Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Q .. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A .. The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q .. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A .. None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q .. If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A .. The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

A blond is driving down a deserted highway when she gets pulled over.

The cop gets out of his car and asks if she has been drinking and she replies "No".

So he radios the station and asks what to do.

The cop at the station says "Is she a blond driving a lipstick red corvet?" and the cop replies "Yes".

So the other cop says "What you do is tell her to get out of the car and pull out your dick as you walk up to her".

So the cop does exactlly what the other cop says. The blond gets out of the car and he whips out his dick.

The blond "sighs" and says please not another breathalizer test.

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.