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Jokes Megathread, viewer discretion advised.
Posted:

Jokes Megathread, viewer discretion advised.Posted:

JR2k12
  • Junior Member
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Joined: Jan 11, 201212Year Member
Posts: 70
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Status: Offline
Joined: Jan 11, 201212Year Member
Posts: 70
Reputation Power: 2
Hello ttg. Today I'm making a thread for the funniest jokes I can find. If you post with a joke, I'll add it in the 'Viewer Submissions' section. (one joke per person)




Jokes i found/Made

1:
I shagged this bird last night, but before I managed to light a cigarette I was thrown out of the pet shop.

2:
And so, God came forth and declared widescreen was the best"

Sony 16:9

3:
"If i could re-arrange the alphabet i'd put U and I together!"

"Look at your keyboard, idiot."

4:
My wife said I have no respect for the Queen.

I nearly choked on my Swan sandwich!

5:
I think hitchhikers are really friendly.

I've gone past three in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up!

6:
My wife was kidnapped and held to ransom last night in a case of mistaken identity.

The kidnappers mistook me for somebody who might give a damn.

7:
As I entered the dark room I was shocked to see a pale, scrawny figure in the corner. As I moved closer I noticed she was wearing a soiled nightgown and had piercing eyes. They sent a chill down my spine.

I wish the wife had said her mother was staying over.

8:
Just seen a picture of Joleon Lescott's forehead...

I can only assume that Lord Voldemort tried and failed to kill him as a kid.
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9:
A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the hell had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets, mate!"

10:
I think everyone should stop calling fat people names, they've got enough on their plate!


Viewer Submissions

Mine:
Mine wrote what do you call a penguin with a high sex drive?

happy skeet

-Aqua:
-Aqua wrote This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.The driver got out and he was a dwarf.He said, "I'm not happy."I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

ttgkeiranroome:
ttgkeiranroome wrote My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.

dodgysquirrel:
dodgysquirrel wrote The Internet.

When deleting history is more important than making it.


Last edited by JR2k12 ; edited 5 times in total
#2. Posted:
Mine
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what do you call a penguin with a high sex drive?

happy skeet

i know it sucks i just made it up
#3. Posted:
Mine
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hey girl wanna feel my shirt? what material is it? its boyfriend material.

OOOSH


Last edited by Mine ; edited 1 time in total
#4. Posted:
MsFluttershy
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This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.The driver got out and he was a dwarf.He said, "I'm not happy."I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
#5. Posted:
Mine
  • Rising Star
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Joined: Apr 02, 201212Year Member
Posts: 784
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Reputation Power: 37
-Aqua wrote This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.The driver got out and he was a dwarf.He said, "I'm not happy."I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"


At first i was like what? then i was like awwww haha i get it now

nice joke
#6. Posted:
JR2k12
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Joined: Jan 11, 201212Year Member
Posts: 70
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Reputation Power: 2
Thanks for the jokes so far, Keep em' coming!
#7. Posted:
ttgkeiranroome
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
#8. Posted:
dodgysquirrel
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The Internet.

When deleting history is more important than making it.
#9. Posted:
MsFluttershy
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Joined: Apr 15, 201113Year Member
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Nice thread you got here, wish I'd come up with it.

-Aqua
#10. Posted:
MeowZz_MoDz
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Joined: Mar 30, 201212Year Member
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Joined: Mar 30, 201212Year Member
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Lol, these jokes are pretty awesome.
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