Ok. I think that I may go absolutely insane. Ever since 1.8...Minecraft has no worked. I've dug into the farthest reaches of the internet for a solution...none of which have directly applied to my problem. In a quick summary, the new updates run terrible. But that isn't even the main problem. After about 5 minutes of loading a world and playing...Minecraft crashes and leaves a very unsettling error report on my desktop. The likes of which include this bit of spectacular literature.




# A fatal error has been detected by the Java Runtime Environment:
#
# EXCEPTION_ACCESS_VIOLATION (0xc0000005) at pc=0x000084c1, pid=3216, tid=5296
#
# JRE version: 6.0_27-b07
# Java VM: Java HotSpot Client VM (20.2-b06 mixed mode windows-x86 )
# Problematic frame:
# C 0x000084c1
#
# If you would like to submit a bug report, please visit:
# [ Register or Signin to view external links. ]
# The crash happened outside the Java Virtual Machine in native code.
# See problematic frame for where to report the bug.


Now this seems like some form of alien language that is undecipherable by an untrained eye. So if you can understand it tell me. And if you would like me to post the rest of the error because it's about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 characters long... I will. Any way, if you need to see my specs they are this:
Type of computer...I think: Dell Dimension 8400, Ram 4gb, Processor: 3.49ghz, OS: Windows XP 32bit, Java 6 update 27, Graphics Card: ATI Radeon x300 (terrible yes but too my knowledge able to run minecraft) and for the most part I think my drivers are up to date because my computer says they are. xD.

If you need me to find anything else out I will.

Things I have tried to fix issue include:
-Updating/re-installing every form of Java in this galaxy
-Completely re-installing Minecraft and every thing that begins with the letter M. =(
-Updating my drivers in which I was promptly flipped off by my computer saying they were already UP.TO.DATE
-Suicide
-Convincing someone else to kill me for me.
-Running disk cleanup.
-Running defragmentation
-Sacrificing to foreign gods.
-Sacrificing to foreign people.
-Sacrificing puppies to foreign cats.
-Sacrificing the sacrifices.
-Gouging my eyes out with the broach of my wife who is actually my mother.
-Taking all my organs out of my body, burning them, and them eating the ashes.
-Crying daily for 30 minutes into my pillow.
-Eating razorblades and then vomiting them back out.
-Drugs
-Ping-Pong
-Sliding down a bobsled track without any clothes on.
-Discovering the meaning of life.
-Posting on Minecraft Forums.
-Fighting Mike Tyson in a game of Marco Polo.
-Going back to college.
-Testing to see if I could fly by jumping of the Chrysler building.
-Learning to spell.


None of these solutions have worked.
So please. PLease. PlEaSe. HELP MEE.

PS. Does anyone know where I can get about 20 sacrificial goats, some absorbent towels, and a gardening trowel?