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The Texas Longhorns are Back! /sPosted:

Swift
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Welcome to a new era! The Tom Herman era. Tom Herman is so MENSA he has this team pissing Smartwater.

The mighty Longhorns put 41 points on the board, nearly causing the stadium scoreboard to run out of electricity! Thankfully, the Burnt Orange and White provided plenty on the field of play! Look out, Nikola Tesla!

The offense was out there running plays.

The defense played. I saw them.

Special teams were there, too!

Esteemed offensive coordinator Tim Beck, who has coordinated many rural high school offenses, featured an unexpected breakout star at TE and that confidence was rewarded with 4 big catches for a rumbling, rambling 18 yards. Thats 4.5 yards per catch. All-Time NFL leading rusher Emmitt Smith averaged 4.2 yards per something in his career. Is Garrett Gray better than Emmitt Smith? Early indications say yes!

Explosive sprinter QB Shane Buechele carried the ball 15 times for some yards. He also threw it 53 times. Thats 68 plays. Not even Vince Young touched the ball that much at Texas. Good game plan!

Wildcat specialists Jerrod Heard and Lil'Jordan Humphery both converted key 3rd downs late in the game averaging 12.5 yards per carry, leading Texas to a key touchdown. But didn't play again. Because who likes a showoff?

Scrappy wide receiver Collin Johnson was not featured until the last TD drive of the game and it seems that he could be an asset. Look for the Longhorns to get the unknown 6-5, 225 pound nobody into future game plans.

Lets not forget the defense. Maryland was held to only 8.3 yards per play. Last time I checked you need 10 yards for a first down. Better luck next time, crab cakes! Your state is named after a chick.

What about special teams? Touchdowns. So much excitement. Both teams punters are from Australia. The cradle of punting.

Overall, what else can I say about this season opener but that it opened the season.

Texas is back!


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Hey at least we aren't Baylor....RIGHT??

On a serious note, I'm tired of Texas being back and not really being back. The same shit happened with Charlie Strong after Mack Brown.
Its really crazy that this team has such an amazing [ Register or Signin to view external links. ] and still are such a shite team.

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#2. Posted:
Xbox
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I was happy to see the upset but y'all didn't look bad out there.
#3. Posted:
Savitar
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Every year the Longhorns get a new coach and are not expected to shit the bed, they shit the bed. Maybe just pay Nick Saban 10m a year?
#4. Posted:
Swift
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Scipio Tex made another great article.

3rd

07:20 UT - Foreman, Armant 33 yd pass from Buechele, Shane (Buechele, Shane pass failed), 6-37 01:28

1:28 05:20 UT - Hemphill, Reggie 91 yd punt return (Rowland, Joshua kick)

04:29 UMD - Johnson, T. 40 yd run (Greene, A. kick), 2-38 0:41 01:23

UT - Buechele, Shane 3 yd run (Rowland, Joshua kick), 9-66 2:59

That was the 3rd quarter. And Texas utterly dominated it 20-7.

Imagine if we had simply tackled Johnson on that 40 yard touchdown run and forced a fumble and scooped it up and lateraled it three times until finally Poona Ford broke free and then splashed into the end zone like the Kool Aid Man for a touchdown and Josh Rowland missed the extra point because of sun and humidity, then it would have been 26-0 and the game would have been called for the slaughter rule and all of the people with heat exhaustion in the stands could have gone to Pluckers.

Still, 20-7 is excellent.

Maryland never had a chance in that quarter. If I had an ounce of pity for those vile tortoises, I would have averted my gaze at the destruction we wrought, as so many women and children in attendance wisely did.

Maryland won the other quarters using cowardly play fakes and the cheat codes of fundamental play, accurate passing and inside zone handoffs, but they will remember the sting of that 3rd quarter forever.

Flee back to Bethesda, chelonian reptiles.

Texas is back!


I am loving his satirical stuff right now.
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